Early Morning Shenanigans
by APhoenixRising
Summary: Sirius has never had to cook. So when Hermione brings it upon herself to teach him how to make breakfast, not everything goes to plan. Add in Hermione's ability to distract him from his work and it's an interesting lesson.


**Written for the Quidditch League Competition: Round 2, the Set Pairing Boot Camp and the Pairing Diversity Boot Camp: caramelised**

**Quidditch League:**

**Round 2:** A Little Appearance

**Captain:** Remus Lupin and reading

**Word Count: **1949

**A.N - This is also written for the lovely Bex, over on the Fic Exchange of Epic Proportions. I hope you like it!**

**Early Morning Shenanigans**

'Morning, Hermione,' said Sirius. He backed through the door into their room carrying a tray. 'I made you breakfast.'

'Mmm, thank you,' she mumbled in return. She rubbed sleep from her eyes and stared blearily at Sirius. 'What have I done to deserve this?'

'Nothing, love. Can't I treat my girlfriend whenever I want?' He leant over and placed the tray upon her duvet covered lap. 'Love you.'

Hermione stared at the tray in front of her and spoke her thoughts aloud, 'I love you too, but I definitely do not love your cooking skills. This is just toast, Sirius!'

'I know, doesn't the thought count?' He stared at Hermione with his "infamous" puppy eyes, and it wasn't long until she relented.

'Of course it does. I will have to teach you how to cook though,' she replied with a smile before spreading the jam over the toast herself.

'Good luck with that one.'

Half an hour later the couple made their way downstairs into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place hand in hand, still bickering about Sirius' lack of culinary skill.

'Morning, Remus,' called Hermione. Remus looked up from the paper he was reading and nodded in their direction.

'Morning, Hermione. What are you and Sirius arguing about at this time of day?' Hermione made to answer but Sirius cut her off before she could speak, 'Hermione doesn't think I can cook,' he said indignantly.

'Well, you can't...' replied Remus with an air of obviousness.

'Not you too!' Sirius whined.

'Well, tell me one thing you can make well.' Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment. 'I'm waiting, Sirius.'

'I can do... Ok, you win. I'm not great, but that's not my fault; I've never had to cook before.'

'Awh, the poor, poor boy,' Hermione teased, 'has always had someone to slave over a hearty meal for him to enjoy. Well, I'm not going to do that for you, you're more than old enough to know how to cook for yourself.' She kissed the end of Sirius' nose and chuckled when it crinkled in disgust.

'Fine, teach me how to cook then, woman!' Sirius huffed. He pulled the paper from Remus' grip and slumped over it at the kitchen table.

Remus looked at Hermione, still stood in the doorway, and raised his eyebrows. 'Good luck with him.'

'Oh, he'll be fine once he has his coffee. Remus?' she offered.

'Please,' he replied. Hermione made her way over to the side of the kitchen and went about making three mugs of coffee.

A deep sigh escaped Sirius after he drained the last of his coffee. He leant back in his chair and placed his hands behind his back in a stance that would have caused many a female to stare. Hermione, however, rolled her eyes at him and stood up. She placed her hand out to him and spoke, 'Come on, you don't have time to pose like that; you're going to learn how to cook. We'll start simple. Ever had a full English breakfast before?'

'Honestly, Hermione? Of course I have, what do you think I ate every morning for seven years at Hogwarts?'

'Hmm, I suppose. I never saw you as a cereal person anyway. Right, lets see what we've got in here.' She walked over to the fridge and cupboards, and began pulling out various foods. 'Sausages, bacon, beans, eggs...' she muttered to herself.

'She's mental,' Sirius quietly said to Remus.

'I heard that!' she called from the other end of the kitchen. 'And this "mental" woman is going to teach you how to survive on more than just toast and coffee. Now come here.' Sirius rolled his eyes but headed towards his girlfriend, he placed his arms around her waist and leant his chin on her shoulder.

'Come on, Hermione,' he whispered in her ear. 'Let's blow this lesson off, and head back upstairs. I can teach you something else, something more fun...' he said seductively, finishing with a slight nibble to her earlobe. She moaned delicately, but her resolve wasn't about to be taken away by the promise of her boyfriend's lessons in bed. She turned to face him and breathed into his ear, 'No, but if you do this for me then I might treat you later, give you something a bit different, a bit more fun.' Sirius growled quietly at her teasing and Hermione felt a nudge in her side which made it clear to her exactly what her words had caused. She smirked at him, winked and then pulled away and began to pull out pots and pans.

'Ok, Sirius, do you know how to turn on the hob?' Hermione said in a somewhat jokingly manner.

'Yes... You just...' Sirius tinkered around with the hob for a while, but it was soon clear to Hermione that he didn't know what he was doing.

'Really, Sirius? You don't know how to do _that_? It's the easiest part!'

'Sorry, Hermione, but I've never had to cook before. I always had it cooked here, then at James', and Hogwarts and now I'm back here Molly does it.' Hermione stared at him with a pitying look, and her shoulders sagged.

'Ok, first things first, you need to heat the pans up. We'll be using three of the hobs, so you need to light three. How you do it is you press in this button here, see it?' Sirius nodded. 'And then you light your wand and hold it next to the hob until the whole catches. Like this.' She proceeded to show him how to light the hob, and instructed him to do the next one. Hermione laughed as he seemed to clearly hold his breath, before releasing it once it was lit.

'Ah, that was easy,' Sirius said. He brandished his still lit wand around, and Hermione had to duck before it set her bushy hair alight.

'Careful!' She blew on the end, and the flame diminished but not before she suggestively sent a wink towards her boyfriend. 'Ok, now get some oil and pour just a little in the two frying pans. One will be for eggs and the other for bacon and sausages, and then the beans go in this saucepan here. Got it?

'I'd rather have you,' growled Sirius. He looped his arms around her waist and spun her around.

'Not here, guys,' interrupted Remus. 'Not something I want to see, especially at this time of day.'

'Not sorry, Moony!' Sirius called back, sending his best friend a smirk. He went to fetch the oil and poured some into the pans.

'Woah! Not that much, only enough to coat the bottom. We don't want it swimming, evanesco!'

'Well, you didn't say that,' Sirius retorted with a pout.

'Awh! Do you want me to literally spell everything out for you?' Hermione grabbed his cheeks and placed a small kiss on his lips.

'Haha, you're hilarious,' Sirius said in a tone that indicated otherwise. 'So what goes in first?'

'Sausages, they take the longest,' Hermione replied, attempting to make an innuendo but her brain was letting her down. Sirius laid the sausages down into one of the pans, and grinned triumphantly to himself.

'It's like watching a child,' remarked Remus, chuckling.

'Take that back, Remus!' Sirius shouted, as he levitated a sausage dripping with boiling oil over Remus' face.

'Sirius,' reprimanded Hermione. 'In the pan, now!'

'Why aren't you this demanding in bed?' whispered Sirius, but he placed the sausage back into the pan.

'Well, if you make a good breakfast, I'll show you just how demanding I can be. Deal?' Hermione looked at him, and slowly bit her lip.

'Let's get this done, I'm getting impatient!'

'Oh, I can tell. Right, so eggs next,' Hermione said, as she surreptitiously ran her hand up and down his thigh.

'Argh, you're killing me, woman,' he growled into her ear.

'Crack the egg, Sirius. Just hit it on the edge, pull the crack apart and let it fall into the oil.' Hermione smirked; she could see how antsy Sirius was getting and playing this game with him was, despite her better judgement, was turning her on a little. Sirius did as she told and cracked the egg into the pan. Sirius gasped in pain when a little oil splashed up and landed on his finger, he made to put his finger in his mouth but Hermione interrupted, 'Let me.' She took his finger and placed it in her mouth. She swirled her tongue around the end and then began to suck on it, looking innocently as Sirius the whole time.

'For God's sake, how long is this breakfast going to take?' Sirius pulled his finger out and cracked the second egg.

'It can take as long as I want it to,' said Hermione. 'Right, so beans. Pour the tin into the saucepan and grab a wooden spoon. You don't want them to stick to the pan.' Once again, Sirius followed the instructions, all the time watching what Hermione was doing.

'Is this right?' Sirius asked.

'You can't go wrong pouring out a can, Sirius.'

'Just want to do it right and please you.'

'You can please me later.' Hermione winked. 'Speaking of which, I got to go to the bathroom. Won't be long. You need to stir the beans, put the bacon in the pan, turn the sausages and cook the top of the eggs. Like this.' She demonstrated how to do the top of the eggs and dashed off out of the kitchen, leaving Sirius standing by the oven with a confused look on his face.

Hermione entered the bathroom and quickly locked it behind her but she wasn't there for the common use. She undid her trousers and removed her underwear, stuffed it into her pocket and redid them up. Making sure nobody could tell that she didn't have underwear on, she left the bathroom and made her way back towards the kitchen where a thick burning smell could be smelt.

She entered again to find Sirius frantically trying to do about three things at once and Remus unable to contain his laughter, sitting exactly where he was when Hermione left.

'Hermione!' called Sirius in relief.

'Everything ok?' she asked as she walked slowly towards him.

'Does it look ok?' Sirius almost wailed.

'I've literally been gone for like two minutes, how did it get like this?'

'So much to do,' moaned Sirius.

'And yet it looks like you've done nothing: the beans are stuck to the pan, sausages haven't been turned and from the looks of it you've only just added the bacon.'

'Stop criticising me, woman! I was trying to do the eggs, they're fine, right?'

'Yeah, they're good. Very good actually, well done.' Sirius swelled with pride. 'But are they enough to make up for the mess of everything else? These are burnt now.' Hermione turned over the sausages.

'They're not burnt, they're... caramelised,' retorted Sirius.

'The posh way of saying burnt, Sirius. Right, turn everything off, clearly this is going to be a disaster. Besides, I have something for you.' She slowly pulled her underwear from her pocket and without attracting Remus' attention she handed them over to Sirius. His eyes widened and a moan escaped from him. 'Let's hope that you're better in bed today, than you are at cooking.' She headed towards the door but Sirius grabbed her around her waist and lifted her bridal style and carried her out the door.

'I'll just clean up then,' called Remus with sarcasm as they left the kitchen.

'Thanks, Moony. Owe you one!' replied Sirius as he slammed the kitchen door shut with his foot and stomped upstairs to his bedroom.


End file.
